The Chicago International Film Festival is my favorite event of the year. Here's my schedule for CIFF 2009 (Oct. 8-22) just in case you're interested in tagging along. You can find the current schedule at the main CIFF site (or download a .pdf version of it HERE).
All screenings will take place at AMC RIVER EAST 21 (322 East Illinois Street).
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9:
Partners – 3:30 p.m. – 93 min (p. 22) – EFPTN1
Bellamy – 6:00 p.m. – 110 min (p. 10) – EFBEL1
The Eclipse – 8:30 p.m. – 88 min (p. 14) – EFECL1
Cropsey – 11:00 p.m. – 84 min (p. 12) – EFCRP1
MONDAY, OCTOBER 12:
Cooking History – 5:00 p.m. – 88 min (p. 12) – EFCHY1
Tomorrow At Dawn – 8:30 p.m. – 96 min (p. 35) – EFTAD2
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13:
Green Waters – 6:15 p.m. – 89 min (p. 15) – EFGRE1
The Be All And End All – 8:20 p.m. – 100 min (p. 10) – EFALL1
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14:
Nothing Personal – 4:30 p.m. – 90 min (p. 21) – EFNOT2
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15:
Mother – 3:30 p.m. – 75 min (p. 20) – EFMOT3
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16:
Shorts 4 – 3:30 p.m. – 101 min (p. 39) – EFSHE2
Who's Afraid Of The Wolf – 5:45 p.m. – 90 min (p. 37) – EFWAW1
Women In Trouble – 8:00 p.m. – 94 min (p. 37) – EFWIT2
The Revenant – 10:45 p.m. – 105 min (p. 31) – EFREV2
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18:
Berlin '36 - 11:30 a.m. – 100 min (p. 11) – EFBER3
Spy(ies) – 2:00 p.m. – 99 min (p. 33) – EFSPY3
Shorts 3 – 4:00 p.m. – 90 min (p. 39) – EFSHR2
***MARY AND MAX*** – 6:15 p.m. – 92 min (p. 20) – EFMAR1
(NOTE: BEST FILM OF 2009! I saw it at Edinburgh Film Festival and I can't wait to see it again!)
Soundtrack For A Revolution – 8:30 p.m. – 82 min (p. 31) – EFSFR2
MONDAY, OCTOBER 19:
Racing Dreams – 6:15 p.m. – 95 min (p. 23) – EFRAC1
Chicago Overcoat – 8:45 p.m. – 95 min (p.11) – EFCHI3
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20:
Kanikosen – 3:30 p.m. – 109 min (p. 17) – EFKAN3
Shorts 1 – 6:15 p.m. – 79 min (p. 39) – EFSHI3
Will Not Stop There – 9:15 p.m. – 110 min (p. 37) – EFWNS3
If you want discount passes, buy them through me. I have a membership with the CIFF, so I can save you a lot of money. Before I retrieve your tickets, though, I will need to know the following: 1.) what festival pass you plan on buying, 2.) the names and times of the movies you want to see (including the 6-digit film code!) and 3.) how many tickets for each screening (remember: 2 per person per screening). Most importantly, I will need the money before I go to purchase your tickets with my membership discount. Send your requests to justinholtvo at gmail dot com (or my personal e-mail if you know it) along with YOUR phone number so we can go over everything. I work two blocks away from CIFF HQ, so it won't be hard to get your tickets.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Beware of the films listed as SPECIAL AND GALA PRESENTATIONS! Those are special screenings for films that have already caught fire on the festival circuit and will be hitting theaters soon. Because they have such good buzz and due to the fact the director/writer/cast are scheduled to be there for a Q&A session, these films are NOT valid on General Festival Passes and cost $12 & $20, respectively, with my discount. Of course, I will go over everything with you before picking up your tickets, but I want you to pay attention NOW so I don't have to do a ton of back-and-forth with you later. Thanks!
Hope to see you there!
JVH
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Delilah
I ran into you by accident yesterday.
You looked stunning as always.
You had cut your hair.
Yet I was the one who suddenly felt so weak.
You looked stunning as always.
You had cut your hair.
Yet I was the one who suddenly felt so weak.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Run, Little Fox, Run
Dear Justin,
I've met someone I really like. I'm not willing to compromise it by coming to see you [this weekend -- 05/15-19!]. We both knew this was coming. I'm not your girlfriend and anything between us is conditional. Please be happy for me.
Jamie
05/13/2009 (6:17 AM CST)
I've met someone I really like. I'm not willing to compromise it by coming to see you [this weekend -- 05/15-19!]. We both knew this was coming. I'm not your girlfriend and anything between us is conditional. Please be happy for me.
Jamie
05/13/2009 (6:17 AM CST)
=======================================
Jamie(?),
To be honest, I had no idea this was coming. Last time I checked we were anything but conditional. Maybe not a couple, but there was a commitment. You can try to dodge this truth by coldly rationalizing our relationship in any manner that suits you best, but the fact remains that what you're doing -- and certainly the way you're doing it -- is simply heartless. Congratulations, you've proven yourself to be completely untrustworthy and totally incapable of loving and being loved.
I would call your bluff and say that this new flame of yours doesn't even exist, that it's just you getting cold feet all over again. After all, you've done this every time you've come to visit. Either before or after you feel this desperate need to bail, and this calculated, cavalier rejection of yours reeks of a blatant lie. But I won't dive deeper into it. 'Cause if you are telling the truth -- if there is a someone who magically appeared in the last month (i.e., from the time you started telling me that you LOVED me with all your heart, WANTED TO BE WITH me soon and absolutely COULDN'T WAIT to see me!), someone who would require you to cancel your vacation as well as compromise our friendship and the friendships of everyone you know through me ('cause that's exactly what you've done) -- it doesn't mean much anyway. And you want to know why it doesn't mean much? Because sooner or later you will fuck it up, Jamie. You're inherently self-destructive and, unlike me, most people won't give you the benefit of the doubt. So when you do get cold feet (and you will) and predictably follow suit by vanishing, that person will not make the effort to pursue you nor take you back. I'm the only one who's that stupid. I'm the chump who believed that you actually want more in life than perpetual misery and isolation. What I failed to see time and again is ultimately this is your decision, not mine.
Despite all your proclamations otherwise, you relish being the lost little orphan girl, Jamie. You absolutely can't stand the idea of being accepted, loved, appreciated, understood, cherished, doted upon, taken care of, respected. You will continually lie, deceive, betray and destroy just to keep the status quo in check. You're codependent on your misery because it's what you know best. It's human nature: if you don't challenge the status quo, even if the way things are make you utterly weak and stifle everything positive about you, nothing changes and, thus, everything is "safe." Sanity in familiarity, right? Laugh it all away, right? Laugh! Laugh at the absurdity or else the ugly truth about your ugly self and your ugly soul will overwhelm you! I guess you were right: I knew this was coming after all. But that still doesn't justify anything. That still doesn't sadden me any less. That still doesn't stop me from saying, Fuck you, Kit. Fuck you for being everything you say you don't want to be but choose to be anyway.
That said, we now have a money issue at hand. I bought that ticket on good faith that you would come see me. If you can afford to waste it, you can afford to pay for it. You owe me $207.20. If you're adult enough to squander everything we've worked for, you can finish the job by being reasonable and responsible and paying me back in a timely fashion. Prove that you have some ounce of respectability. I'm appealing to the rational side of you -- that cold, unfeeling, logical side that you use whenever you reject me. If that's the only part of you I'm allowed to communicate with, so be it. You reject me, you pay for that privilege. Fair's fair.
Last but certainly not least -- and I know this likely means nothing to you, but I feel compelled to say it anyway -- I love and care for you with all of my heart. And despite all the hurt you've caused me, I still believe in the best of you. I've been quite preoccupied this year overcoming a lot of heartbreak and baggage and trying to find people I can trust and love without worrying that they'll stab me in the back, but none of that hurt or doubt could eclipse my love for you. My love for you fueled my ambitions. It was my undeniable proof that there are still plenty of things worth fighting for, that it doesn't always have to end in pain and sorrow. You made me believe that WE could accomplish anything. But that's obviously never going to happen as long as your neurotic, sinister and ultimately destructive actions and attitude undermine our entire relationship. I don't have all the answers in life, Kit, but I do know that I deserve better than this. When you finally and fully understand the extent of how cruel you've been to me, you're welcome to apologize. Maybe then we can even talk.
Until then, I wish you nothing but the best as you continue to do your worst.
Devastated,
Justin
05/13/2009 (2:13 PM CST)
To be honest, I had no idea this was coming. Last time I checked we were anything but conditional. Maybe not a couple, but there was a commitment. You can try to dodge this truth by coldly rationalizing our relationship in any manner that suits you best, but the fact remains that what you're doing -- and certainly the way you're doing it -- is simply heartless. Congratulations, you've proven yourself to be completely untrustworthy and totally incapable of loving and being loved.
I would call your bluff and say that this new flame of yours doesn't even exist, that it's just you getting cold feet all over again. After all, you've done this every time you've come to visit. Either before or after you feel this desperate need to bail, and this calculated, cavalier rejection of yours reeks of a blatant lie. But I won't dive deeper into it. 'Cause if you are telling the truth -- if there is a someone who magically appeared in the last month (i.e., from the time you started telling me that you LOVED me with all your heart, WANTED TO BE WITH me soon and absolutely COULDN'T WAIT to see me!), someone who would require you to cancel your vacation as well as compromise our friendship and the friendships of everyone you know through me ('cause that's exactly what you've done) -- it doesn't mean much anyway. And you want to know why it doesn't mean much? Because sooner or later you will fuck it up, Jamie. You're inherently self-destructive and, unlike me, most people won't give you the benefit of the doubt. So when you do get cold feet (and you will) and predictably follow suit by vanishing, that person will not make the effort to pursue you nor take you back. I'm the only one who's that stupid. I'm the chump who believed that you actually want more in life than perpetual misery and isolation. What I failed to see time and again is ultimately this is your decision, not mine.
Despite all your proclamations otherwise, you relish being the lost little orphan girl, Jamie. You absolutely can't stand the idea of being accepted, loved, appreciated, understood, cherished, doted upon, taken care of, respected. You will continually lie, deceive, betray and destroy just to keep the status quo in check. You're codependent on your misery because it's what you know best. It's human nature: if you don't challenge the status quo, even if the way things are make you utterly weak and stifle everything positive about you, nothing changes and, thus, everything is "safe." Sanity in familiarity, right? Laugh it all away, right? Laugh! Laugh at the absurdity or else the ugly truth about your ugly self and your ugly soul will overwhelm you! I guess you were right: I knew this was coming after all. But that still doesn't justify anything. That still doesn't sadden me any less. That still doesn't stop me from saying, Fuck you, Kit. Fuck you for being everything you say you don't want to be but choose to be anyway.
That said, we now have a money issue at hand. I bought that ticket on good faith that you would come see me. If you can afford to waste it, you can afford to pay for it. You owe me $207.20. If you're adult enough to squander everything we've worked for, you can finish the job by being reasonable and responsible and paying me back in a timely fashion. Prove that you have some ounce of respectability. I'm appealing to the rational side of you -- that cold, unfeeling, logical side that you use whenever you reject me. If that's the only part of you I'm allowed to communicate with, so be it. You reject me, you pay for that privilege. Fair's fair.
Last but certainly not least -- and I know this likely means nothing to you, but I feel compelled to say it anyway -- I love and care for you with all of my heart. And despite all the hurt you've caused me, I still believe in the best of you. I've been quite preoccupied this year overcoming a lot of heartbreak and baggage and trying to find people I can trust and love without worrying that they'll stab me in the back, but none of that hurt or doubt could eclipse my love for you. My love for you fueled my ambitions. It was my undeniable proof that there are still plenty of things worth fighting for, that it doesn't always have to end in pain and sorrow. You made me believe that WE could accomplish anything. But that's obviously never going to happen as long as your neurotic, sinister and ultimately destructive actions and attitude undermine our entire relationship. I don't have all the answers in life, Kit, but I do know that I deserve better than this. When you finally and fully understand the extent of how cruel you've been to me, you're welcome to apologize. Maybe then we can even talk.
Until then, I wish you nothing but the best as you continue to do your worst.
Devastated,
Justin
05/13/2009 (2:13 PM CST)
Monday, May 4, 2009
Stalled at the First Step
Hey Justin,
So, I just read the essay in your profile about non-monogamy. I probably should have read that sooner, but somehow I missed it. Props to you for being so open and honest...but the thing about me is that I have some pretty undesirable baggage that would make a non-monogamous relationship EXTREMELY complicated. I hate that I have baggage at all, and I am trying to work through it---but it will always be a part of me. I wish I could change that, but I can't; so the thing I am trying to do is accept it, forgive it, and live with it. But it is not easy. And it means that, for the sake of being as open and honest as you have been, I have to admit this: I am not the girl you seek.
For that, I am sorry.
I wish you all the best, though. Really&truly.
And I hope that you find all the Love that you desire.
Ever,
T.
=======================================
T.,
I didn't ask you for a relationship, nor did I ask to pursue one. I just liked your profile and thought you might be someone I would enjoy sharing my time with. ANYTHING after that -- and I mean ANYTHING -- would require honesty, open-mindedness, pragmatism and hours upon hours of discussion.
Friendship is built upon trust. Trust requires communication. We haven't communicated much at all to even get to the point where it's safe to discuss terms for a serious relationship. So while your concerns are legitimate when it comes to the long-term, at this point they're a tad presumptuous. I'm a sensible guy, you're a sensible girl -- at least that's the fair shake I give everyone I meet -- so I would appreciate it if you could think long and hard about whether or not it's a good idea to allow assumptions (about me, about you, about your reaction to my assumed behaviors) to burn a bridge you haven't even tried walking across. I can assure you right here and now that I would never demand anything of you that you're not willing to give. I can also assure you that just because our initial correspondence has been exceptional doesn't guarantee that we'll be friends, lovers, partners and/or soul mates. We'd have to discover that over time. In person.
If you decide to stop internalizing all the things that COULD (not will) happen between us -- and, more importantly, all the things I might say in response to your every worry and concern ('cause, really, you don't know me nor ALL of my perspective and vice/versa) -- it would still be my pleasure to meet you for dinner/drinks.
Sincerely,
Justin
P.S. If you would like to further understand more of my take on how assumption and avoidance does nothing but destroy relationships, check out the most recent episode of my radio show: Noble Efforts. (FYI: My name on the show is Bob Dubilina.) We present two excellent stories -- one negative, one positive -- on why communication is essential in any relationship. Start around the 10:30 mark.
So, I just read the essay in your profile about non-monogamy. I probably should have read that sooner, but somehow I missed it. Props to you for being so open and honest...but the thing about me is that I have some pretty undesirable baggage that would make a non-monogamous relationship EXTREMELY complicated. I hate that I have baggage at all, and I am trying to work through it---but it will always be a part of me. I wish I could change that, but I can't; so the thing I am trying to do is accept it, forgive it, and live with it. But it is not easy. And it means that, for the sake of being as open and honest as you have been, I have to admit this: I am not the girl you seek.
For that, I am sorry.
I wish you all the best, though. Really&truly.
And I hope that you find all the Love that you desire.
Ever,
T.
T.,
I didn't ask you for a relationship, nor did I ask to pursue one. I just liked your profile and thought you might be someone I would enjoy sharing my time with. ANYTHING after that -- and I mean ANYTHING -- would require honesty, open-mindedness, pragmatism and hours upon hours of discussion.
Friendship is built upon trust. Trust requires communication. We haven't communicated much at all to even get to the point where it's safe to discuss terms for a serious relationship. So while your concerns are legitimate when it comes to the long-term, at this point they're a tad presumptuous. I'm a sensible guy, you're a sensible girl -- at least that's the fair shake I give everyone I meet -- so I would appreciate it if you could think long and hard about whether or not it's a good idea to allow assumptions (about me, about you, about your reaction to my assumed behaviors) to burn a bridge you haven't even tried walking across. I can assure you right here and now that I would never demand anything of you that you're not willing to give. I can also assure you that just because our initial correspondence has been exceptional doesn't guarantee that we'll be friends, lovers, partners and/or soul mates. We'd have to discover that over time. In person.
If you decide to stop internalizing all the things that COULD (not will) happen between us -- and, more importantly, all the things I might say in response to your every worry and concern ('cause, really, you don't know me nor ALL of my perspective and vice/versa) -- it would still be my pleasure to meet you for dinner/drinks.
Sincerely,
Justin
P.S. If you would like to further understand more of my take on how assumption and avoidance does nothing but destroy relationships, check out the most recent episode of my radio show: Noble Efforts. (FYI: My name on the show is Bob Dubilina.) We present two excellent stories -- one negative, one positive -- on why communication is essential in any relationship. Start around the 10:30 mark.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Shipwrecked (An Excerpt from "The Duck")
I stood naked in my bathroom, the light off, looking for a hint of a reflection in the mirror. I knew it was there, staring back at me in the dark.
It was sometime after midnight. I was home alone. The bathroom door was locked.
"Can you hear me, Robert?" I asked the reflection I couldn't see.
No response.
"Hey, Robert," I tried again. "You there?"
Maybe it couldn't hear me. It was noisy in here. I was running a bath. The roar of the water gushing out of the faucet amplified off the tiled walls, filling up the tiny room, muffling my voice. The tub wasn't even a quarter full and the steam was already starting to leave a film of moisture on every surface.
I smiled at the mirror. I felt a wave of calmness wash over me. The water and pitch black were providing sanctuary from the worries and doubts that awaited me outside the bathroom door. The real world wasn't allowed to intrude here. The din and dark disguised my location, shrouding my presence from further reproach.
I felt cut off from everything and everyone. A good thing for once. I felt detached from myself, a primitive sketch of the weary and confused soul who was off somewhere drowning in self-pity.
I was thankful for the reprieve. This was a luxury, this vacation from all the burdens I carried, both present and past. My tension headache was gradually dissipating. My stomach was settling for the first time in hours.
If only this feeling weren't so fleeting. If only I could take this moment and insulate myself within it indefinitely.
I stood there in the dark and thought about escape, about making a permanent getaway.
I imagined standing on a stretch of white sand, rocking slowly to the gentle whoosh of high tide meeting the shore. My skin would be the copper brown of a new penny, no longer burnt or peeling, from countless days in the sun. The taste of salt in the air would be near stifling in my parched throat.
I would love being shipwrecked. The memories of home would be distant, faded from the years spent on an uncharted paradise lost in a vast ocean rife with profound mysteries and grotesque mirages.
I imagined Sara walking along the coast, walking toward me. She found me when I first washed ashore along with the accidental flotsam and jetsam of my life. When I awoke, I discovered that I had forgotten history and science. I had forgotten logic and truth.
I would speak to her of Algebra because it would be all I had left. Variables and coefficients would be my currency, my language. Seventeen years translated into a grueling maze of radicals and exponents multiplied and divided a hundred thousand times over.
This equation would be the only thing I could call my own.
That, and Sara. She would be mine, too. She would prove invaluable to helping me solve for x.
She would be the constant.
She would be the solution.
I imagined her naked, her tan body glistening in the sun. Her firm breasts would rise and fall with each languid step, her nipples stiff with the thought of my mouth kissing them. The fluid curves of her body joined together to create magnificence.
Her eyes were the mild green of the ocean at the edge of the reef.
She would have a smile that spoke of a life I had yet to live.
It was a life with her.
She would come closer. I would want her more with each step. I would kiss the freckles the sun had splashed across her face.
I would feel her lips brush the bridge of my nose. I would close my eyes and feel her tongue slide along my ear. I would shiver and sigh and know that I was where I wanted to be.
I would inhale the heady aroma of salt and sun on her neck and shoulders and know this is where I belonged.
She would run a hand through my unkempt hair. She would stroke my cheek. Her fingers would trace secret lyrics on my chest. She would be my sanity.
I would be anything she needed. I would be food and shelter.
I would be gravity and sex.
I would be Robert.
I would be the Robert she needed, wanted, desired – the Robert she hungered for like I hungered for her once before, a long time ago. Somewhere far away from here, a place where she was always just out of reach.
Somewhere I used to call home.
We would be one here. Her touch would save me from an ordinary life.
In no time everything would add up just right and I would have it figured out.
One more stroke and I would remember everything I needed to say to make her mine forever.
Standing on my toes, every muscle tightened, my breath surged out in a quiet rush.
I came in three short bursts.
I held the moment for as long as possible. I held it until my lungs begged for air and my legs turned stiff. I held it until I was certain the sun and sand were no longer there.
I relaxed.
I stood naked in my bathroom, the light off, facing the mirror. Depleted yet still erect. Cloaked in steam, veiled in darkness, unsure where my reflection might be.
I turned on the faucet and washed the mess down the drain. I cleaned the porcelain in silence.
Suddenly my heart clenched into a knot. Hot tears streamed down my face as I gripped the edge of the sink to steady myself. I felt paralyzed, the blood in my veins boiling me alive from the inside. I made a grimace and a strained, nearly inaudible whine escaped my throat.
The profound burden of memory, the grotesque mirage of splendid isolation.
There was no solution here. Not a favorable one at least.
The only constant, a boy shipwrecked in his own mind.
Ten seconds passed.
Five more before I could loosen my grip and finally take a breath.
My heart was pounding. I turned off both faucets with shaky hands.
I got in the tub. I kept the light off.
Fully immersed. In memory, in water, in darkness.
If I could dissolve away into any one of them, I would. Without hesitation, without notice. I would.
I fell asleep and dreamed that I was swimming in a sea of broken glass.
(c) JVH
10/2001 (First Draft)
04/2009
It was sometime after midnight. I was home alone. The bathroom door was locked.
"Can you hear me, Robert?" I asked the reflection I couldn't see.
No response.
"Hey, Robert," I tried again. "You there?"
Maybe it couldn't hear me. It was noisy in here. I was running a bath. The roar of the water gushing out of the faucet amplified off the tiled walls, filling up the tiny room, muffling my voice. The tub wasn't even a quarter full and the steam was already starting to leave a film of moisture on every surface.
I smiled at the mirror. I felt a wave of calmness wash over me. The water and pitch black were providing sanctuary from the worries and doubts that awaited me outside the bathroom door. The real world wasn't allowed to intrude here. The din and dark disguised my location, shrouding my presence from further reproach.
I felt cut off from everything and everyone. A good thing for once. I felt detached from myself, a primitive sketch of the weary and confused soul who was off somewhere drowning in self-pity.
I was thankful for the reprieve. This was a luxury, this vacation from all the burdens I carried, both present and past. My tension headache was gradually dissipating. My stomach was settling for the first time in hours.
If only this feeling weren't so fleeting. If only I could take this moment and insulate myself within it indefinitely.
I stood there in the dark and thought about escape, about making a permanent getaway.
I imagined standing on a stretch of white sand, rocking slowly to the gentle whoosh of high tide meeting the shore. My skin would be the copper brown of a new penny, no longer burnt or peeling, from countless days in the sun. The taste of salt in the air would be near stifling in my parched throat.
I would love being shipwrecked. The memories of home would be distant, faded from the years spent on an uncharted paradise lost in a vast ocean rife with profound mysteries and grotesque mirages.
I imagined Sara walking along the coast, walking toward me. She found me when I first washed ashore along with the accidental flotsam and jetsam of my life. When I awoke, I discovered that I had forgotten history and science. I had forgotten logic and truth.
I would speak to her of Algebra because it would be all I had left. Variables and coefficients would be my currency, my language. Seventeen years translated into a grueling maze of radicals and exponents multiplied and divided a hundred thousand times over.
This equation would be the only thing I could call my own.
That, and Sara. She would be mine, too. She would prove invaluable to helping me solve for x.
She would be the constant.
She would be the solution.
I imagined her naked, her tan body glistening in the sun. Her firm breasts would rise and fall with each languid step, her nipples stiff with the thought of my mouth kissing them. The fluid curves of her body joined together to create magnificence.
Her eyes were the mild green of the ocean at the edge of the reef.
She would have a smile that spoke of a life I had yet to live.
It was a life with her.
She would come closer. I would want her more with each step. I would kiss the freckles the sun had splashed across her face.
I would feel her lips brush the bridge of my nose. I would close my eyes and feel her tongue slide along my ear. I would shiver and sigh and know that I was where I wanted to be.
I would inhale the heady aroma of salt and sun on her neck and shoulders and know this is where I belonged.
She would run a hand through my unkempt hair. She would stroke my cheek. Her fingers would trace secret lyrics on my chest. She would be my sanity.
I would be anything she needed. I would be food and shelter.
I would be gravity and sex.
I would be Robert.
I would be the Robert she needed, wanted, desired – the Robert she hungered for like I hungered for her once before, a long time ago. Somewhere far away from here, a place where she was always just out of reach.
Somewhere I used to call home.
We would be one here. Her touch would save me from an ordinary life.
In no time everything would add up just right and I would have it figured out.
One more stroke and I would remember everything I needed to say to make her mine forever.
Standing on my toes, every muscle tightened, my breath surged out in a quiet rush.
I came in three short bursts.
I held the moment for as long as possible. I held it until my lungs begged for air and my legs turned stiff. I held it until I was certain the sun and sand were no longer there.
I relaxed.
I stood naked in my bathroom, the light off, facing the mirror. Depleted yet still erect. Cloaked in steam, veiled in darkness, unsure where my reflection might be.
I turned on the faucet and washed the mess down the drain. I cleaned the porcelain in silence.
Suddenly my heart clenched into a knot. Hot tears streamed down my face as I gripped the edge of the sink to steady myself. I felt paralyzed, the blood in my veins boiling me alive from the inside. I made a grimace and a strained, nearly inaudible whine escaped my throat.
The profound burden of memory, the grotesque mirage of splendid isolation.
There was no solution here. Not a favorable one at least.
The only constant, a boy shipwrecked in his own mind.
Ten seconds passed.
Five more before I could loosen my grip and finally take a breath.
My heart was pounding. I turned off both faucets with shaky hands.
I got in the tub. I kept the light off.
Fully immersed. In memory, in water, in darkness.
If I could dissolve away into any one of them, I would. Without hesitation, without notice. I would.
I fell asleep and dreamed that I was swimming in a sea of broken glass.
(c) JVH
10/2001 (First Draft)
04/2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Worst. Guest List. Ever.
The following is an IM conversation between Justin Velander Holt & Kyle Ramos.
March 18, 2009 (2:50 p.m.):
Velander: Okay.
I'm going to say something.
'Cause it's ON MY MIND!
Kyle: DO IT
Velander: And I just need to just get it out.
Kyle: just tell me when so it doesn't get in my eyes
Velander: I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO SEE TILDA AND ASK HER TO ACCOMPANY ME TO JOSHUA JAMES TOMORROW!
She's just SO FUCKING COOL!
I will NOT!
I will NOT!
But I WANT TO SOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!
Kyle: DO NOT
ask penny!
Penny would like that!
Velander: Penny's gone for Spring Break.
Kyle: man wtf
kit?
Velander: Denver
Hahaha. Kit?! I can't fly her out for a concert! I can't afford that!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
SERIOUSLY!
Kyle: do not do it
Velander: OH! OH! OH!
I got it!
I know WHO!
Kyle: who?
Velander: VERONICA! [Ed. note: Justin's ex-girlfriend.]
Kyle: yes
YES
AND MAEVE [Ed. note: Another of Justin's exes.]
Velander: I'll stop by her apartment TONIGHT!
At about 3 a.m.!
Kyle: and CHLOE ANNE [Ed. note: Kyle's ex.]
Velander: YES!
CHLOE!
I haven't talked to CHLOE in, like, A YEAR
And her new HUSBAND!
YES!
Kyle: yes!
Velander: THANK YOU, KYLE!
Kyle: good ideas!
Velander: WAIT, WAIT!
That's A LOT of guests.
I need someone to co-host!
KYLE!
COME!
Veronica, Maeve, Chloe, Marcus, Kyle & Justin!
OH. MY. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!
That would be EPIC!
Kyle: throw zoe [Ed. note: Another of Kyle's exes.] in for good measure
Velander: DONE!
DONE!
DONE!
Kyle: I would hang myself
March 18, 2009 (2:50 p.m.):
Velander: Okay.
I'm going to say something.
'Cause it's ON MY MIND!
Kyle: DO IT
Velander: And I just need to just get it out.
Kyle: just tell me when so it doesn't get in my eyes
Velander: I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO SEE TILDA AND ASK HER TO ACCOMPANY ME TO JOSHUA JAMES TOMORROW!
She's just SO FUCKING COOL!
I will NOT!
I will NOT!
But I WANT TO SOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!
Kyle: DO NOT
ask penny!
Penny would like that!
Velander: Penny's gone for Spring Break.
Kyle: man wtf
kit?
Velander: Denver
Hahaha. Kit?! I can't fly her out for a concert! I can't afford that!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
SERIOUSLY!
Kyle: do not do it
Velander: OH! OH! OH!
I got it!
I know WHO!
Kyle: who?
Velander: VERONICA! [Ed. note: Justin's ex-girlfriend.]
Kyle: yes
YES
AND MAEVE [Ed. note: Another of Justin's exes.]
Velander: I'll stop by her apartment TONIGHT!
At about 3 a.m.!
Kyle: and CHLOE ANNE [Ed. note: Kyle's ex.]
Velander: YES!
CHLOE!
I haven't talked to CHLOE in, like, A YEAR
And her new HUSBAND!
YES!
Kyle: yes!
Velander: THANK YOU, KYLE!
Kyle: good ideas!
Velander: WAIT, WAIT!
That's A LOT of guests.
I need someone to co-host!
KYLE!
COME!
Veronica, Maeve, Chloe, Marcus, Kyle & Justin!
OH. MY. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!
That would be EPIC!
Kyle: throw zoe [Ed. note: Another of Kyle's exes.] in for good measure
Velander: DONE!
DONE!
DONE!
Kyle: I would hang myself
Shout-Out in Savage Love
Well, it finally happened. Dan Savage added his two cents on my love life. No joke.
Savage Love
March 19, 2009
I've been seeing "Radioman" for a few weeks—the physical chemistry between us is amazing, and we have a lot of fun. He had a vasectomy a year ago (he's only 26), and for me this is a deal breaker since I want to have a family. The other surprise is that he is in relationships with two other women and the three of them get together and have threesomes. I am a bisexual woman recently out of a long-term relationship, and I am interested in joining this little playgroup. However, I met one of the other women recently, and she seemed jealous and upset. Radioman insists that she was just tired and actually likes me. I'm not so sure. Am I asking for drama by getting involved in this foursome?
Thinking Of Joining A Harem
Dan Savage replies:
Yes.
Here's the actual link for proof that I'm not making this up:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=1177502
NOTE: Second letter. Scroll down.
I'm getting this column framed and later signed when he next comes to town.
Smile,
Justin
aka Radioman
Savage Love
March 19, 2009
I've been seeing "Radioman" for a few weeks—the physical chemistry between us is amazing, and we have a lot of fun. He had a vasectomy a year ago (he's only 26), and for me this is a deal breaker since I want to have a family. The other surprise is that he is in relationships with two other women and the three of them get together and have threesomes. I am a bisexual woman recently out of a long-term relationship, and I am interested in joining this little playgroup. However, I met one of the other women recently, and she seemed jealous and upset. Radioman insists that she was just tired and actually likes me. I'm not so sure. Am I asking for drama by getting involved in this foursome?
Thinking Of Joining A Harem
Dan Savage replies:
Yes.
Here's the actual link for proof that I'm not making this up:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=1177502
NOTE: Second letter. Scroll down.
I'm getting this column framed and later signed when he next comes to town.
Smile,
Justin
aka Radioman
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